Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
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You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
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If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
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