I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
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