My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
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