he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
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We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
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I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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