Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
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You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
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Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
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