he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
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I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
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I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
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