I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
we were hanging out in his room and he decided to play WoW.. so i took off all my clothes while he wasn't paying attention and laid on his bed and started playing with myself.
did he notice?
of course he didn't notice.. he was playing a fiesty level 1 fucker that wouldn't give up..
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
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The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
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Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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