Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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