What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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