You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
dpoing straight shots of jhameson. boys are imp ressed. i apologize
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
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