Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
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Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
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I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
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