Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
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i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
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We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
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