i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
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Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
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