I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
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