I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize