I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
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I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
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Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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