I Bought a bracelet with bible characters and a charm broke. the virgin mary one. Do you think it's a sign?
I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
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He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
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