3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
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