She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
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