do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
I use my feet as sexual weapons
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