the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
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I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
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I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
All the doctor said was why
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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