I'm sorry my penis didn't work
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
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