Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Randomize