Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
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