So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
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