he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
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there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
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IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
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