And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
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then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
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Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
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