Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
I am full of burrito and curiosity
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
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