Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
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His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
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On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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