I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
Randomize