There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
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