respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
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Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
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My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
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