i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
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She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
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