I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
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He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
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I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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