This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
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This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
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He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
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