well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
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I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
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How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
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