I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
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