You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Randomize