new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
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