Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
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