If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
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