so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
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