I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
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At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
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I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
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