I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
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Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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