the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
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Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
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I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
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