I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
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