he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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