my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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