Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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