My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
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